Sometimes life kicks you in the gut and you feel yourself gasping for breath. Everything seems restricted, it’s like you want to get out of your physical body and rip everything bit by bit.
I was anxious. It was a type of anxiety I never knew, never experienced before. Even at the lowest point of my life, I never felt this kind of anxiety. It was just paralyzing. Logically I understood that I can still move but it somehow felt I couldn’t. I was breathing but it felt like I was out of breath. I was free but it felt like my feet are buried in the ground. No one was restraining me but it felt like I was held captive.
The anxiety was real and I had to work hard on myself to get past it. I had to process it with the help of my counselor and friends. I needed to sift through all the mental clutter, dissect every thought, filter every memory, and rearrange everything.
It was hard. It is still hard. I’m not yet past the anxiety but I have learned to manage it. It’s still there but it’s not quieter.
The itch doesn’t go away. It lives inside you, patiently waiting for you to notice it. Sometimes, it’s quiet as if it doesn’t want to be felt. Sometimes, it’s loud and you just can’t help but sit up and take notice.
I’ve been feeling that way for the last couple of years with the same questions in my head. Is this all there is to it? Is this what I’m going to do for the rest of my life? Is this it?
Lately, that itch is getting louder and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s calling out to me, refusing to die down no matter what I do. It just doesn’t go away.
October 2017 signaled a new chapter in my life. A short-lived friendship ended. I got promoted. And I believe something beautiful’s brewing. I’m grateful to the great, big Universe for all these and more. I can’t wait to see the next chapter unfold.
There’s a right place and time for everything. This is a lesson I’ve always struggled with but this has never been more apparent last week.
It’s true what they say. Everything is revealed at the right time and for me, it was a revelation, indeed.
And while it temporarily knocked the wind out of me and after two days of just allowing myself to feel frustrated about it, I’m finally at a place where I have accepted the truth.
It is what it is and I respect and accept it.
I’m also thankful to God for showing me the truth. I am grateful that He allowed me to know it early on, that I didn’t have to invest emotionally in this thing. I’m thankful that He told me when I was ready to receive it.
I’m also grateful for the experience. I am glad that I experienced it, that I had a perfect day, that I felt what it’s like to be taken cared of, to be appreciated, to be fussed about. I’m glad that I met these new and wonderful people, who appear to genuinely like me.
Most of all, I’m grateful that He prepared me for it. Not only did He prepare me for this revelation, I believe that He is also preparing me for better things in my life. He’s preparing me for the thing that I’ve been praying for the last four years.
The Universe surprises you and it hits you hard. The situation in your head is not what it seems all along. Or somewhere along the way, when you thought everything was running smoothly, God tells you that this is not the way to go. Pinatikim ka lang, pinasaya ka lang saglit, pero things are not what they seemed to be.
Akala mo ikaw na. Akala mo ito na. Hindi pala. Iba pala.
But you take comfort in the fact that God’s timing is always perfect. Even when you discover that painful thing, you understand that God’s timing is still perfect. Binigay Nya yung knowledge na yun dahil alam Nya na ready ka na. Alam Nya na kaya mo na tanggapin. And it’s true.
Despite the pain you’re feeling, you know in your heart that God’s love never fails. This is just a minor setback. This is just another bump in your road to forever.
Salamat. Thank you for the memories. It was fun while it lasted.
Sometimes the world teaches you to let go of controlling things and to allow others to take charge. It’s hard because I could feel myself resisting. I felt useless because I had nothing to do but it seemed that people just want to take care of everything.
I’m truly grateful. It’s just a weird feeling but I am grateful.