Sometimes life kicks you in the gut and you feel yourself gasping for breath. Everything seems restricted, it’s like you want to get out of your physical body and rip everything bit by bit.
I was anxious. It was a type of anxiety I never knew, never experienced before. Even at the lowest point of my life, I never felt this kind of anxiety. It was just paralyzing. Logically I understood that I can still move but it somehow felt I couldn’t. I was breathing but it felt like I was out of breath. I was free but it felt like my feet are buried in the ground. No one was restraining me but it felt like I was held captive.
The anxiety was real and I had to work hard on myself to get past it. I had to process it with the help of my counselor and friends. I needed to sift through all the mental clutter, dissect every thought, filter every memory, and rearrange everything.
It was hard. It is still hard. I’m not yet past the anxiety but I have learned to manage it. It’s still there but it’s not quieter.
The itch doesn’t go away. It lives inside you, patiently waiting for you to notice it. Sometimes, it’s quiet as if it doesn’t want to be felt. Sometimes, it’s loud and you just can’t help but sit up and take notice.
I’ve been feeling that way for the last couple of years with the same questions in my head. Is this all there is to it? Is this what I’m going to do for the rest of my life? Is this it?
Lately, that itch is getting louder and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s calling out to me, refusing to die down no matter what I do. It just doesn’t go away.
Even when you’re in the middle of the storm, be thankful. Even when you’re in pain, be thankful.
It’s easy to be angry when you’re hurt, when you’re in pain, when you’re lost, when you’re bruised. It’s easy to last out and say, “Why me? I don’t deserve this!” It’s easy to think the great big Universe is being unfair. It’s easy to play the victim.
But this is the time to be thankful to God, to praise Him for molding you to become a better person. Lord, I thank You.
Sometimes beginnings take you by surprise. You don’t realize that you’re already in the middle of the story and you wonder how it all began.
Sometimes you’re lucky enough to be standing at the very start of what is–you hope–a happy journey. You’re lucky enough to see things and you wonder if this is the start of something wonderful. And you tell yourself, “I can’t wait to see what happens next.”
So much has been said about love. So many hugots, so many bitter lines, so many hearts longing for that elusive dream. Does it exist? Is it attainable? Or it’s just a figment of imagination, much like the fairy tales you grew up with?
It’s easy to feel jaded about love. It’s easy to give up on love. After all, It’s not uncommon to see movies about broken hearts, broken marriages, and broken dreams. Songs lamenting of infidelity. TV shows of mistresses, abandoned children, despairing spouses.
But sometimes you’re lucky to witness a love that continues to withstand the test of time. Despite the ups and downs (very little downs, I might add), you see a love that remains true and happy.
And then you realize that this love is not just love for each other and for the nuclear family. This love also extends to other members of your otherwise dysfunctional clan (which clan isn’t?). It is shown through 50 years of generosity and kindness with the hopes that everyone will have better opportunities and, in the process, better lives.
Maybe that’s what love is all about. Maybe the best kind of love is not spoken. Maybe the best kind of love is giving yourself not only to your spouse but to everyone else you meet and who you share your life with. Maybe to have that kind of love is enough.
Where time runs slow and your innermost thoughts scream loudly.
Traveling can be both rewarding and jarring. It allows you to listen to stories and explore new things. At the same time, it confronts you with thoughts and emotions that you never knew existed.
Who are you? Are you an interesting human being? What stories do you share to people? Do they want to know you? Do they see through you? Do you have to talk incessantly for people to understand and know you? Or do you know that people worthy of your time are those who are willing to reach out to you?
And you likewise realize how much you have in your life. The comfortable life you temporarily leave behind. The many things you enjoy but take for granted. The close friends who see you for who you are despite your occasional silence. The ones who love listening to your stories. The ones who see through you and understand that you are a wonderful human being and that you are welcome to stay in their lives.
The Batanes in your mind is images of contrast. Amidst the scenic views and breathtaking creations, there you are reflecting on your own life and wonder if it is just as breathtaking as the view.
And as you leave Batanes behind, you look back and realize that the life you lead, has lead, and will continue to lead also takes your breath away.
There’s something scary about getting out of one’s comfort zone. At the same time, ‘out there’ is where you will find yourself, what you want and don’t want, and what you are truly capable of.
It’s been a long journey to be where I am now. And while I have regrets over some parts of my life, overall I’m still blessed beyond imagination. I will look back at my years and think over and over again that life has been truly and deeply good to me.
2015 was a year of events, socializing and just plain getting out of my comfort zone. This year also marked the year of new beginnings. There’s nothing much to say except how grateful I am to the great big Universe for blessing my life and I look forward to 2016 to bring me more joys and blessings.
And to everyone who has been part of my life, thank you. You made and still make my life wonderful.